2023 First Prize Winner of the Katrina Ellis Memorial Prize (KEP)
In the seas, there are turtles, pelagic
Their tale it is ancient, but tragic
They ingested elastic,
And bags made of plastic,
And the seas, like my rhymes, lost their magic.
At contests I once was a virgin,
To write limericks, I needed no urgin’
I wrote words so seminal
With meanings subliminal
That the rhymes they were very soon surgin’
A poet from far-off Llandudno
Used words that nobody would know
But his poems precocious
Just sounded atrocious
That’s why he’s considered a dud now.
I once met a moaner called Lisa
There was nought I could do that would please her,
Her lips were quite supple
But her smile was so subtle
I didn’t know whether to kiss her.
A turtle named Terry once taught us
The difference ‘twixt him and a tortoise
One of them likes women
The other likes swimming
And he is the one who likes waters.
Astrophysicists once formed a gang
Steady-state, was the chorus they sang
Until Edwin Hubble
Poked holes in their bubble.
It exploded with such a big bang
There once was an ugly young duck-a-ling
Kissed a prince the son of a king-a-ling
But the prince, dirty dog
Turned into a frog
And now a young tadpole she’s suckling.
A prudish young poet named Ben Doe
Wrote limericks with no innuendo,
The soul of the genre
Ne’er tainted his armour
And he had no climax at the end oh
But his sister, the lovely young Gwen Doe
To prudishness did not pretend oh!
The spunk of the genre
Penetrated her armour
And she came, with a crashing crescendo.
Proponents of gender diversity
Have long suffered unjust adversity
But an Oxford debate
Didn’t set matters straight
So now they attend university.
An actress down on her luck
Served coffee, to earn a quick buck
A casting director
Tried hard to select her
He failed. She did not give a fuck.
A swear word silently creeped out,
Another more blatantly peeped out
The third was so proud
It shouted out loud,
And the whole god-darned poem was bleeped out.
2024 Third Prize winner of KEP
I once had a most virile Cockerel
Most ardent in servicing his flockerel.
Their amorous sounds
Excited my hounds
And my poem descended to Doggerel.
A playwright, Benjamin Berky
Wrote a pantomime, ever so quirky
But the plot was so thin
There was nothing within
His Panto was a big Christmas Turkey.
In a gin joint, Casablancan, Sam Strong
The pianist, knew only one song
Sam played it again
And again and again
And the customers all sang along.
There once was an ardent young poet
Fell in love, with a maid, don’tcha know it
He wrote her a Sonnet
With Ribbons upon it
And now he’s got two twins to show for it.
The Limerick thrives on innuendo
To arrive at its final crescendo
But at my age I find
Life is cruel and unkind
In the end, it’s all diminuendo.
A parachutist, nicknamed the Blue Eagle
Broke his leg, doing something illegal
Now frail and infirm
He’s joined a Law Firm
Where they call him the New Paralegal.
Pippin, Merry, Sam and Frodo
On a journey, Epic, did go.
Long could I talk
Of Elves, Dwarves and Orc
But in only five lines? I don’t think so
2025 Second prize winner KEP
The White House is a space residential
And the goal in a race Presidential
I’d love to tell all
That goes on in that hall
But they tell me it’s Hall Confidential.
There once was a nubile cartographer
Fell in love with a trainee philosopher
She drew up some charts
Which entwined both their hearts
And now he adores every part of her.
near
Oh no! The deadline is near.
Writer’s block is a pain in the rear.
The deadline’s so close
What I need is a dose
Of writer’s diarrhoea.
carcinoma
My ear had a small carcinoma
Basal cell, not the dread melanoma
My ear it got clipped
And surgically snipped
And I got a c-free diploma.
Who
I once knew an old Doctor Who
Caught a dose of time traveller’s flu
The years flew so fast
He thought each was his last
What’s next? I haven’t a clue.
2026 Third Prize Winner KEP
I started with every intention
Of achieving poetic perfection
But a Limerick’s so short
That I achieved nought
Not even an honourable mention.
Elliot Ness, the Chicago Crime Buster
Assembled his kids in a cluster.
There’s Cleanli Ness, next to Godli Ness
Sweet Ness and Sour Ness
And that one’s a wee Scottish Monster.
Amundsen, The Polar Explorer
Suffered greatly from Polar Disorder
He set sail for the North
But then he changed courth
And arrived at the South in short order.
TV Schedulers, those National Disgraces.
Swapped around the Grand and Boat Races
Two Boats were grounded
And all Horses drownded
Next year they’ll be back in their places.
There was a young man from Doncaster
Whose lovelife was courting Disaster
He was caught unawares
And tumbled downstairs
And now he’s got both legs in Plaster.
A young student of all things Poetic
Was inclined to pursuits more athletic
His goals on the field
He more than fulfilled
But his poems were short and pathetic.
Of Limericks I’ve written eleven
With Yeast, I’ll now make a leaven
I’ll bake two more
To increase my score.
A Bakers Dozen, for Katie, in Heaven.
I’ve heard there are pigs that Mayfly
And I’m certain I once saw a Horse Fly
I’ve seen Golfing weirdies
Make Eagles and Birdies
But how do they make their Caddies Fly?
Stafford & Marianne 